


Emptiness we leave behind on warm air rising

by autumnsolstice9



Category: Naruto
Genre: BUT NOT IN THE WAY U THINK, Friendship, Gen, Hyuuga Hinata-centric, Minor Character Death, References hinatas feelings for naruto, referenced neji death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24267217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnsolstice9/pseuds/autumnsolstice9
Summary: She tells herself it is love.
Relationships: Aburame Shino & Hyuuga Hinata & Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino/Hyuuga Hinata/Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Hinata & Yuuhi Kurenai
Comments: 3
Kudos: 51





	Emptiness we leave behind on warm air rising

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from the song empire ants by gorillaz
> 
> one shot, written and posted bc thats how i do things babe-ee!!!!

She tells herself it is love. When Neji beats her bloody, she tells herself she entered this unwinnable fight because she is a Hyuuga, and she loves that name and will make it proud. She tells herself that it is love for Neji, who has faced so many wrongs and so few rights, that she lets him take his anger out on her. She tells herself that it is love for Naruto’s ninja way, which fights so passionately and vibrantly, that she throws her all into the fight knowing she will likely never recover from the injuries she sustains.

Kiba growls at her when she wakes in the hospital, Shino’s kikaichu hum with annoyance, and Kurenai’s hands move frantically to fix the sheets around the bed.

“Why did you do it?” Kiba asks, his anger overridden by his concern, Akamaru whimpering as he buries his nose into Hinata’s arms. “Why would you fight him?”

She is glad she stutters, because it delays her response while he tries to discern why she fought Neji. Ultimately, there is no answer, because she cannot find the words to explain what went through her mind that day and how she needed to feel strong even when getting beaten down, how she thought in accepting battle she was accepting love. Hinata watches her team watch her, and desperately seeks explanation, but cannot let her caged bird sing.

She watches, and watches, and they do not yell, or leave, or look at her with any less concern or compassion. The fluttering in her chest that has been there since she became a member of team eight begins to take flight, soaring through her body, demanding its presence be recognized.

This is the first moment Hinata does not try to convince herself something is love, and instead silently accepts that it is.

***

She tells herself it is love. When she sneaks glances at Naruto, she tells herself it is because she adores the way his smile stretches his face, or how his fingers twitch with mischief, or because he is as golden as the sun and she wants to orbit him. She tells herself it is love, and she tells herself it often enough that she sometimes believes it.

He is untouchable, he is out of reach for her gravitational pull, he is something she can always desire but never have. He is Naruto Uzumaki, and she is tired Hinata, and she convinces herself that she is in love even though she knows better.

Her team knows better. “Why do you chase after him? What do you see in him?” they ask, their voices gentle, filled with love. They are among the few people Hinata knows well enough to love, knows within the depths of her soul that she would go mad with grief if she lost either of them, knows that she can show herself to them and they will do the same in return and never cast a judging eye. They are her team, and she has killed for them and cried for them, and they have done the same for her. That is why they are smart enough to ask why she chases after Naruto, not why she loves him. Hinata has always been slow to open up to people, wary of raised hands and loud voices, scared of being known and being cast aside like her father had done to her. She loves those who she knows well enough to love, and that is few and far between, and certainly not Naruto. 

They know it isn’t love the same way they know Hinata’s strength: with quiet certainty, a secret to acknowledge in the comfort of their team’s privacy.

“You know why,” she always tells them, and when they respond with fragile smiles, she knows they understand. If anyone can understand idealizing Naruto, it is forgotten Team 8. They all admire his strength, his kindness, and his ability to draw people in. A group of misfits, odd pieces forming a puzzle few want to admire, Hinata knows that they all crave the attention of Naruto, both given and received.

So she tells herself it is love, because to call it anything else would drive her insane. To admit that the boy she grew up admiring for his strength and unwavering soul is someone she herself can never become would drive her to leave behind everything she knows, and she has a duty to her clan and village that she cannot yet let go of. Hinata has spent years trying to be strong, and she has spent years falling short.

“Okay,” Shino says, “If this is what you need to do, then do it, but do not ignore love when it comes to you in favor of a dream.”

“Okay,” Kiba says, “But we don’t need another Naruto, we need Hinata. We want Hinata.”

“Okay,” Kurenai says, familiar with being strong but thrown aside, “Chase after him, but do not forget your own greatness along the way.”

They understand the need to be seen, to be recognized for their accomplishments, and they understand Hinata. When they see her peek glances at Naruto across the village, they do not stop her, and they do not question it.

Kurenai knows her team, and she knows they are all watching Naruto the same way. She used to look at Kakashi the same way, admiring his ability to carry himself forward into greatness, trying to instill that easy confidence into her bones. She watches her children watch a boy who is a legend, and pushes them forward with quiet reminders that they, too, are the stuff of legends. Few teams in Konoha history succeed together like team eight, and her students are so caught up in someone else’s greatness they are blind to their own. Hinata knows her sensei is the sturdy backbone of their team, and she watches her sensei when she is not watching Naruto, and admiration and respect wells up inside her.

When Hinata meets her team for training, she does not tell herself it is love. Of them, of love, of their reciprocation, she has always been certain.

***

She tells herself it is love. She tells herself it is love for Naruto that has her facing off against Pein, and she tells Naruto of her love because she needs to be reminded of why she is fighting. Why has she ever fought, if not to become someone to uphold his ninja way?

Hinata tells herself she will die for love, and as chakra rods pierce through her skin, she repeats the lie over and over again.

She is lonely, even though Naruto is right in front of her, gasping out her name, finally seeing her and her resolve. To think it will take her death to be recognized as someone worth noticing leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, or perhaps that is the blood on her tongue. She is dying, and lonely, and she wants her team there so they can see her and understand she knows of her lies about love, and has always known, but they are somewhere she cannot see.

Pein lifts her and tosses her through the air like she is nothing, and Hinata hollowly tells herself one last time that she is dying for love.

When she wakes, she is alive and in the care of Sakura. Her team is by her side, and she knows they can see the lies and love written all over her face, and she knows they will keep this private part of Hinata tucked away, a closely guarded secret for only those she loves to see. She is weary of fighting, weary of war, and weary of trying to become someone she is not.

Her team slings her arms over their backs, and when they walk through the devastated village together, she knows she must continue carrying her tired bag of bones.

“Why did you do it?” Shino asks, already knowing the answer.

Hinata sighs, deep and long, firmly locking away any part of her that will wage war with her words. “Because I love him,” she breathes out, looking at the disarray the village is in, “I love him, truly.” 

Kiba and Shino accept her lie, and she loves them for it, so fiercely and without hesitation, and she pretends she does not see the silent tears they cry.

***

She tells herself it is love. Neji is dead, and Naruto is alive, and she is alive, and there is blood everywhere.

She tells herself she jumped in front of Naruto for love, and wonders if Neji told himself the same thing.

Looking at Neji’s corpse, looking at Naruto begin to lose himself on the battlefield, knowing what she must do, she tells herself it is love, she tells herself it is love, she tells herself-

She grabs Naruto’s face, tells him to continue fighting, and she quiets the scream in her head. She is a ninja of Konoha, she is of the Hyuuga main house, she is the Byakugan princess. She tells herself it is love and drags her eyes away from Neji’s body, and gets back in her stance.

Hinata looks across the field of blood and bodies, and spots Kiba and Akamaru, Shino further away in the distance. She takes a breath, steadies her shaking hands, and reminds herself what love truly means, that it is not lies or dead along with Neji. When the next wave of attacks begin, she meets them, and the blood rushing in her ears is too loud for her thoughts on love and lies, and for once in her life, Hinata is grateful to be fighting.

When she wavers, she finds Naruto again, a blazing beacon of hope for the nation, and clings to the lie.

***

“I love you,” Hinata says, a lie she has spoon-fed herself since she was a child.

Naruto does not answer.

***

“I love you,” Hinata says, angry and bitter with unresolved pain in her chest.

Neji cannot answer.

***

“I love you,” Hinata says, scared like she is a genin once again.

Her father glares.

***

“I love you,” Hinata says, out of the blue and easily.

“I love you, too,” Shino, Kiba, and Kurenai respond without hesitation.

“I never loved him,” Hinata blurts out, in the comfort of her team, “The war is over, there are fewer missions, I am not to be head of my clan. I do not want to lie any longer. I do not want to fight, do not want to cling to a reason to fight.”

“We know,” Kurenai says, one hand reaching out to stroke her hair, “We know, and we love you.”

Her team stands steady in front of her, open and admirable and everything she has wanted and needed, everyone she has trusted and loved unconditionally.

“I love you,” she repeats.

“We know,” Kiba answers.

“We know you,” Shino continues.

“I want to retire,” she confesses.

“We know,” Shino answers.

“We know you,” Kiba continues.

“We love you,” Kurenai finishes.

Hinata takes a deep breath, closing her eyes, basking in the love that her team provides, and lets go of her lies.


End file.
